My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
#NoRestForTheWicked
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅