my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
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[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
For anyone who needs this today
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do