If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫