I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
The only equipped I am is ill.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The USS B port
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I did not eat the cake…
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw