Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
You Might Also Like
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”