This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.