First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
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[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Stop sending me this shit.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay