If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Customer is always right
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
lmao
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.