One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
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Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Google Pay be like:
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent