Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
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Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
it was a valiant fight
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
do u think theres a butter planet?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.