I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
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Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it