[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.