Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
You Might Also Like
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses