told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
You Might Also Like
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I feel it
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.