My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
You Might Also Like
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people