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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
How wrong was this guy?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*