Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
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“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
The Struggle
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department