“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole