Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
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Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife