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Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
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I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice