just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
You Might Also Like
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old