Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Gross if literal…Liverpool
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.