Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
You Might Also Like
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.