What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Why soy sad?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Is this you?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*