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putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car