After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
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FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Cardio Made Easy
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.