if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
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If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.