[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.