I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
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When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.