My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Ghost costume 😂
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.