*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
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WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.