People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services