My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
#Caturday
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.