[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law