I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
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Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.