[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
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I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat