Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
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A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad