Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
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My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
S/o to @funTweeters .
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this