It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
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Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
God has left this place
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.