Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
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mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
BETRAYAL
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.