I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
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How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far