Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I need to get some bricks…
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
What a chick magnet..
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Nice try, NASA
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces