im getting some exciting spam emails lately
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are they though??
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea