me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
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Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
smartest karate player in the world
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.