I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
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Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨