Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
All excellent questions
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.