“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
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I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”