BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
You Might Also Like
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
titanic
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.