I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.