[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.